The 13 Best Relationship Tips Ever

These days, more and more happy couples are seeing counselors to keep their unions humming along. Here, the country's top love experts offer up their best advice — for free!

Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; it's

maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That's
why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not
they've tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a
preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably
hit...and to learn how to keep the good times flowing.
To give you a leg up in your love life, we asked the country's
top relationship experts to share the most crucial things
they've uncovered over the years — from big-picture philosophies
to little gestures that go a long way. These practices
will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.

1. Act Out of Character

Couples develop a particular
dynamic: the way they relate to
each other that repeats itself
over and over. If you break that pattern and act against
type — in a positive way — you inject new life into the
relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your
guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try
addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank
him when he does a good job. It works every time.

—Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia

2. Get in Touch a Lot

No doubt you hug and kiss
each other hello and maybe
snuggle a little after having
sex. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're
watching TV, taking his hand when you're walking
down the street, or fondling his thigh during dinner are
also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout
the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces
your affection and makes you feel closer on an
instinctive level.

—Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author ofEmotional Fitness for Couples

3. Don't Be BFFs

Being pals with your man is
great in theory. But that kind of
connection actually can kill your
sex life. You could wind up having a roommatelike bond
with each other rather than a hot one if you let yourself
lose track of the masculine-feminine tension that excited
you at the beginning of your relationship. Save the gab
sessions for when you hang out with your girlfriends and
your sexy energy for connecting with your guy.

—Lana Holstein, MD, director of sexuality and vitality programs
for couples at Miraval Resort in Catalina, Arizona

4. Enjoy a Steady Diet of Sex

If you want to maintain
closeness with your man,
get out of your head and
into bed. Guys feel more comfortable connecting with
women on a physical level, not engaging in deep discussions.
To strengthen your bond, approach your lust life as you would
your gym regimen or your diet — make it part of your routine.
Set a goal to have sex at least a couple times a week.

—Toni Coleman

5. Take Turns Talking

To make sure you both get a
chance to state what's on your
mind during a disagreement —
and get your points across — alternate playing reflective
therapist, where one listens while the other talks.

—Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Opening Love's Door

6. Find the Intersection

When making decisions
together, try to find common
ground. You each
should write down exactly what you want. Let's say
you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the
sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while
he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by
the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now
that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can
pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool
city, a little sun...how about Miami?

—Paul Dobransky, MD,
author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love

7. Be More Positive Than Negative

There's a more effective
way to air
grievances than to
file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment
between two positives. If you want to complain
about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing,
but it really bothers me when you show up so late.
I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be
on time."

—Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD

8. Echo Each Other

When you and your man are
having a serious relationship
talk, it's easy to get so caught
up in how you want to respond that you're not really
listening to what's being said. That's why it's important
for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've
been heard and you feel understood.

—Yvonne Thomas

9. Grow Your Tolerance

Neither of you is perfect, and
the quirks you both have are
here to stay. So rather than
let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to
get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws,
even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of
getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV,
for example, remind yourself how much you love his
passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you,
think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill,
genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat
with everyone in the room.

—Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection

source

If You Do These 10 Things You're Headed Toward Lasting Love (Yay!)

THIS is a one size fits all guide to building the right kind of relationship.

How many of us have learned how to build loving relationships? Where did we learn? At home? At school? There is an art and science to building strong relationships. These are indispensable tips, written with romantic relationships in mind, but with a little modification you can apply them to your friendships, family, and even work relationships.

1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without fear.
Don't interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don't make threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you're too angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe, and calm down.

Remember: your partner is not the enemy.

2. Separate the facts from the feelings.
What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I'm seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What's the real truth?

Once you're able to differentiate facts from feelings, you'll see your partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity.

3. Connect with the different parts of yourself.
Each of us is not a solo instrument. We're more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your "gut" saying?

For example: My mind is saying "definitely leave her," but my heart says "I really love her."

Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that comes from your whole self.

4. Develop compassion.
Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don't have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoguing respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.

5. Create a "we" that can house two "I's."
The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually supportive relationship is being separate, yet connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or herself — compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and connected, each individual "I" contributes to creatimg a "we" that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

6. Partner, heal thyself.
Don't expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don't try to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can support the journey as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.

7. Relish the differences between you.
The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don't need a relationship with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they're often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

8. Ask questions.
All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partners' behavior means. For example: "She doesn't want to cuddle; she must not really love me anymore." We can never err on the side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from your whole self — heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to hear what's not being said — the facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken.

9. Make time for your relationship. No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your relationship. That includes making "play dates" and also taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow.

10. Say the "hard things" from love.
Become aware of the hard things that you're not talking about. How does that feel? No matter what you're feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a constructive manner.

There you have it. Be kind to yourselves. Remember: change takes time and every step counts.

Dr.Lynda Klau is the Founder and Director of Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Possibility. source

12 of the Worst Ways to Break Up with Someone Who Loves You

Want to break up, but don’t know how? Here are 12 perfect examples of how NOT to break up, unless you want to come off as completely heartless.

Breaking up with someone is never easy. Even if it makes sense to do so, someone has still invested their time and emotions into your relationship. When people devote their time and energy to one person, it can be incredibly painful to find out that their partner doesn’t feel the same way about the future.
While it’s not right to stay in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling or satisfying, it doesn’t mean you can forget to keep your partner’s feelings in mind when you drop the breakup bomb. This person put a lot of time into your partnership, so it’s important that you put careful thought into ending it respectfully, in order to still come across as a decent human being.
How NOT to break up with someone
Instead of looking at the best ways to break up with someone *since there really isn’t any great way to get dumped*, maybe it’s better to know how not to do it. Here are some of the worst ways to tell your partner that it’s over:

#1 By picking a fight. Breaking up with someone by starting a fight out of the blue and using that as your exit from the relationship is never a respectful way to leave. Your partner will resent you if they find out that you manipulated them and blew up a small issue in order to end the relationship.

#2 During a romantic night out. Deciding to break up with your partner while having a romantic date night is likely to cause shock and confusion. Just because your partner was wined and dined doesn’t mean they will be able to handle the breakup any better. It’s better to talk over coffee, rather than lead them to think everything’s fine, before you drop a bomb out of left field.

#3 “It’s not you, it’s me.” This line is completely cliché and overplayed. It’s very rare that anyone will accept such an old, recycled line when being broken up with. If it really is you, explain what it is about your partner that doesn’t mesh well with your lifestyle or personality.
You won’t get far by telling them what a horrible person you are and how you have problems you have to work on in order to try and deflect the situation. You will get more respect by being straightforward and honest… and respecting your partner’s feelings and experiences. [Read: How to break up with your girlfriend like a man]

#4 While under the influence. Having a few too many drinks might give you the guts to do the dirty work of breaking up with someone, but it won’t come across as respectful to your partner. Just because drinking will give you momentary courage, doesn’t mean you won’t regret it after the damage is done.
Your partner might not even take you seriously, since your state of mind is clearly “altered,” and they might insist on talking about it at a later time, which will only prolong your issue. It’s better to be sober and in a clear frame of mind, so that you can get the important points across maturely and responsibly.

#5 In writing. This refers to e-mail messages, texting, and messaging apps. Breaking the news in such an informal way might feel easier than doing it in person, but it really makes you look immature and heartless. Do it in person, and you’ll save yourself some embarrassment and retain your integrity. [Read: How to break up when your partner doesn’t want to]

#6 After you have made a big investment. Whether you’ve just purchased a pet or put a down payment on a property together, this is never the right time to call it quits. If you know you’re unhappy in your relationship, it’s best to put off making new investments together, in case you decide you want to break up. If you’ve made the decision to move in with someone, at least give it a fair try before deciding that your relationship isn’t working out.

#7 Not being straight up. Not being straight to the point about your decision to break up will only lead to confusion on your partner’s part. It’s important not to be so blunt that you seem uncaring, but don’t beat around the bush. If you aren’t clear when you tell your partner about the breakup, they may be dumbfounded when they find out from your Facebook status or through a mutual friend.

#8 Getting someone else to do it. Getting someone else to do your dirty work for you is really taking your asshole status to new heights. All this will do is make you look like a coward who didn’t have the courtesy to break up face-to-face.

#9 By getting caught in the act. Letting your partner catch you cheating will definitely make them want to break up with you, but it’s neither the best reputation nor the best image to leave them with. If your goal is to make them hate you so much that they have a reason to leave, you could end up with an unexpected retaliation that could make your whole plan blow up in your face.

#10 In public. Breaking up with someone in public is not only embarrassing for both of you, it will also make bystanders think of you as a total douchebag for not having the respect to do it privately. Worse yet, your breakup video could end up going viral. Speaking of viral…

#11 Through social media. What could be more cowardly or superficial than finding out you’re being dumped via social media? For example, broadcasting your single status on Facebook or insulting your partner in a Twitter rant will definitely give your ex the shock factor you were going for. However, you will look like a horrible, childish person who has to break up with someone behind a screen. [Read: How to break up with your boyfriend the right way]

#12 By ghosting. Falling off the face of the earth, avoiding calls, or changing your regular routes to avoid dealing with the breakup conversation is far from classy. Your ex may even be so in the dark, that they think you’re dead or seriously hurt. Talk about leaving someone hanging!
Facing the breakup topic isn’t easy for anyone, but it has to be done. Avoiding it altogether is a coward’s way out and won’t make you look dignified in any sense. It will also cause resentments to build, and will leave out any opportunity for closure. source